why am i doing this to myself?
i am crying again at 12:20am. i don't know why. why do i bother caring for you and loving you if you didn't/NEVER felt the same.. my heart is at my throat whenever anyone speaks of you, my chest begins to throb, and flashbacks appear. i regret everything. i've fcked you over so many times, everyone knows, you know, even i know. i am lost. there are no more late night random phone calls, there are no more anything. i am numb. i don't want to feel again. i want to quit it here. fck all that bullshit i said before. why care if no one else cares about you? why bother trying so fcken hard to live a mediocre life. i am tired of this shit. i hate it. i hate this feeling you have given me, i hate the pain you have brought me, and i hate you. you have changed and you are not the same anymore. you came back from camp and i expected atleast a phone call to see what's cracking but you don't care. i pour my heart and soul out to you and told you exactly how i felt and in return you mock me. i am foolish. i am, i dont even know what the fck i am. i hate this. i hate this feeling, i hate everything. why do i dwell on the past so much, why do i care so much, why do i even bother? you don't care about me. i know if i was lying in the hospital you wouldn't give a damn. you would visit me and you wouldn't be crying besides me and visiting me everyday. what happened to you? why are you doing this to yourself? others have learned to let go and accept who you are. i can not. you've changed so much since i met you. you do things to please others. i can't believe you basically dropped me as a friend for them. i don't even understand such concept of this. karma came back to me. i regret everything. i don't know what to do. i wanted you to tell me everything is okay, and give me a hug. call me and ask me how am i doing, how is break for me. i wanted things to be better by your birthday but it's not. i hate this. i am foolish. why did i have to fall in love with for you over and over again. since the day we met i knew this would happen. i was in denial, i met and dated other people. but i always had you in the back of my head. why? because i knew one day we would be more. that one day has been diminished. you have proven me wrong, i can not go back in time. and if i could, i sure as hell would change all of this bullshit. i am in pain. i don't want to run to anyone anymore. i don't want to care anymore. everyone has their own battle and people are dying in mine. i am the last one standing in this troop. make me understand. why is all this happening so fast? why is this happening to me. i want to forget; forget the memories, numb the pain, erase the past.
i want to live again<\3
