joanna you beeezzys!

my stomach is hurting right now ): i got my rag two days ago and tonight my family did shabu shabu. my sister didn't have work today so i guess she was on myspace and saw mine. she saw my pics, comments, blah blah and got pretty furious o_o oh well. i did nothing wrong to begin with =) so let's see. everything seems to be going pretty good. their prom is tomorrow, oh well! lol i know you guys have my back ^__^ anyways, so hmm jen finally got her dress and i am so excited to see it tomorrow lol. eeeh, i'm hoping winnie, jenn, and i get the job at fishermans wharf, i'd be okay if i didn't though cause they can still hook it up for me LOL! ^________^ so i really don't like kma. he thinks too highly of himself. everyone has flaws, there is no need to point it out unless it is super duper arrogant. he is the first person that called me ditsy, i don't think i'm ditsy. how can i be a word that i don't even know! let me check right now...
ditsy - flighty and easily confused; mildly or harmlessly eccentric.
pfft, he can suck it. wheeeeeeee so nothing really has been going on lately. i can not wait until toga! lol the only thing i'm actually looking foward to and our next dinner with the four gal pals. that sounded pretty lame huh =/ wheee doot doot dooo. idk anymore. blah my stomach feels like poop. poop poop poop. hi ho didlee um yo yo yo. i can't wait until summer<3 our senior year guys! =( so intense</3 i'm actually pretty happy with our group of 4. i know i don't show it or say anything but i do like it. it's even and everyone in there can connect nadamean. we be like the girls from the hills. i don't know, my stomach is either cramping or i have to go lol. i'm thirsty. well idk i don't really have much to talk about so i guess i'll end it hereee!

hahaha so after i posted that blog up then like 10 mins later, i was going through my buddy list on aim to see who was on and i see him online and i'm like oh. cause i disabled all those noises on aim and the pop up windows that tell me when someone signed on and off; they are SO annoying. and yeah then he i/med me on aim and we talked for a bit and he told me to call him. AHHAHAHAHAHA i love this...friendship crap lol. hehehe hohoho hahaha. damn, i love my friends. you guys are the best. seems like it's just down to us now. jenn, winnie, sheree, me, sometimes baovy when she's not with her boyf. maybe rebecca and mynga. ahh love love love you pscouts :) now i'm in a good mood. see what a simple phone call can do to me? happy happy bobo :) damn i'm in love with the song j. holiday - suffocate. idk why o_o stupid djkeeno and his youtube video ): go check him out, he's pretty dope! mMm school tmr, in physio class we are learning about the penis. it makes me not want to talk about it anymore, hahaha. mmkay i should head off to bed, bed, bedddddd :)

this song gets me going..heheheh. so i haven't updated for awhile so i guess i should. so then what that phone convo i had with him was on Wednesday! my ap presentation is tomorrow and i am actually shitting bricks right now )= it's going to be so embarassing</3 i hope we get an A or B on it though! thug life. ahah so yeah on that phone convo he found out well he actually knew this whole time i had feelings for him but he knows it's on and off. he says that he feels awkward taking pictures with me and kicking it but i asked why? i mean it's not like i'm enjoying it or anything lol. i still think of us just as friends, nothing more nothing less. yeeeeeeea boy. so then what else ummm and he was talking to me about his love triangle and idk. i dont care, it's his problems. like louis says "if you care less, you hurt less" mothafckenn G! so what if i'm frontin? hahaha =) yep yep yep. so i'm grounded again and phoneless. same shit as always. got me suicidal but i'm not down ahahhhaha. ummm and he was just telling me about his life and stuff. he told me last night he doesn't want to kick it with me cause basically he feels awkward. i honestly don't know why. i do not get butterflies or the jitters or anything when i'm around or talking to him. i get no "sweep me off my feet" feelings. sometimes i'm not even sure if i like you haha. but i know if he were to leave my life, i'd be CRUSHED. like potatoes turned into mash potatoes. mMmm yummy..then last night we were talking and i forgot what it was about but yeah. i had the most weird but best dream EVER! it was my first time dreaming about this lol. so like idk gary and i were yeah. haha it involved...cameras, making out, a bed, OH MY! it felt so real HAHAH. like a lollipop<3 he's freaken weird though, i mean he doesn't wanna kick it with me cause it's going to be awkward? he's tripping balls =/ iono he's freaken weird, i'm not going to do anything lol. it's not like i'm trying to seduce him or molest him or make him ask me out. i can still see other guys even if i have feelings, that's how a pimp does it. hahahahaha =D thinking of that dream gives me the tingles in my stomach haha ^__________^  shortyy wanna thugggg!  guess i'll  end it here. i have to meet up with my group in a couple of hours )= peacee outt!  oh oh and jenn & i have our toga designs ready woot wooot! oh i forgot to mention about sangs bbq on the 18th, might i say it's true; "some of the best nights are the ones you can't remember" hahahaha. loved it. so worth being grounded for ahahahha. yeah that's about it. toodles

so gary now knows. haha, write in this blog tomorrow when i have time. i'm going to bed. oh and it's not a bad thing, we both seem to take it very well lol!

it's 3:03am. i've been on the phone with him for about 2 hours and 39 mins and counting as i type. i'm listening to leona lewis - i will be. i am in love with that song, i'm suppose to be doing my essay right now but i'm in such a calm position i don't want too and also because i have no sources and i don't know anything about my topic haha. friday night was totally worth it. although he is going to prom with lucy and changed his myspace around, i'm okay. i mean if i cry or mope nothing is going to change. sometimes i wonder what is going on in his little head. gare fell asleep on the phone awhile ago. but for some reason, i don't want to hang up. 2 months until things are pretty stable now. it's like, i'd rather be on the phone with him knowing he's asleep but it's the fact that he is there rather then to hang up on him and call wayne back lol. it's those feelings. nights like these make me think hard on what i really want. people have so much to offer but ah i don't know. we might not be talking on the phone cause he's snoozing but it gives me a sign of comfort. a really big comfort. comfort i haven't felt in the longest of times. so maybe he does like her but i guess it's punishment? not technically punishment but more like, i had my chance. he tells everyone i fcked him over so many times and i think back, i did. i didn't do it intentionally though. there is so much to think about. my nails are a cute neon bright pink. whooo. so i'm grounded and phoneless for 2 weeks and 2 weeks only. i'm getting hungry and sleepy. guess no essay for me tonight :[ . i have to mad cram tomorrow morning and stuff. if i could, i'd hug you and never let go until my arms get tired and numb and fall off. i love this feeling, i love leona lewis! her songs are so soothing. it puts me at peace. my friends ARE great. i know i hardly ever show any sign of emotion towards our friendship and i can be a stuck up hardheaded little bitch, but i care. i care too much, you just don't know. i have this forcefield of trust or something. life's mysteries. i should go to bed soon. i'm getting weary! goodnight loves.

i am crying again at 12:20am. i don't know why. why do i bother caring for you and loving you if you didn't/NEVER felt the same.. my heart is at my throat whenever anyone speaks of you, my chest begins to throb, and flashbacks appear. i regret everything. i've fcked you over so many times, everyone knows, you know, even i know. i am lost. there are no more late night random phone calls, there are no more anything. i am numb. i don't want to feel again. i want to quit it here. fck all that bullshit i said before. why care if no one else cares about you? why bother trying so fcken hard to live a mediocre life. i am tired of this shit. i hate it. i hate this feeling you have given me, i hate the pain you have brought me, and i hate you. you have changed and you are not the same anymore. you came back from camp and i expected atleast a phone call to see what's cracking but you don't care. i pour my heart and soul out to you and told you exactly how i felt and in return you mock me. i am foolish. i am, i dont even know what the fck i am. i hate this. i hate this feeling, i hate everything. why do i dwell on the past so much, why do i care so much, why do i even bother? you don't care about me. i know if i was lying in the hospital you wouldn't give a damn. you would visit me and you wouldn't be crying besides me and visiting me everyday. what happened to you? why are you doing this to yourself? others have learned to let go and accept who you are. i can not. you've changed so much since i met you. you do things to please others. i can't believe you basically dropped me as a friend for them. i don't even understand such concept of this. karma came back to me. i regret everything. i don't know what to do. i wanted you to tell me everything is okay, and give me a hug. call me and ask me how am i doing, how is break for me. i wanted things to be better by your birthday but it's not. i hate this. i am foolish. why did i have to fall in love with for you over and over again. since the day we met i knew this would happen. i was in denial, i met and dated other people. but i always had you in the back of my head. why? because i knew one day we would be more. that one day has been diminished. you have proven me wrong, i can not go back in time. and if i could, i sure as hell would change all of this bullshit. i am in pain. i don't want to run to anyone anymore. i don't want to care anymore. everyone has their own battle and people are dying in mine. i am the last one standing in this troop. make me understand. why is all this happening so fast? why is this happening to me. i want to forget; forget the memories, numb the pain, erase the past.
 i want to live again<\3